Excerpts and Links to Published Work

 On Video

Let Me Explain for Listen To Your Mother:Portland 2016

"In case my children were vegetarians, but couldn't tell me because they were toddlers, I thought it would be considerate to let them know when I was feeding them animals. I’d want someone to tell me that the lamb on my plate is the body of the same kind of animal we fed from a bottle on our farm-stay vacation, even if it means that every time I serve meat, I get the Portlandia-degree. 'Which animal is this, Mommy? Tell us the story of how it got to be our dinner. Did you kill it?'"

Push and Pull for Listen To Your Mother:Portland 2015 (The written version is here.)

"Any moment now, my youngest will stop plunging her hand down my shirt to hold my breasts for comfort, in public. (It’s like her security blanket. The right one, mostly. My husband has asked me not to talk about it at dinner parties anymore, but this is fine.)"

Your Seat Cushion May Be Used as A Flotation Device for Listen To Your Mother:Portland 2014 (A version of this was originally published on Scary Mommy)

“Flight attendant: 'In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.'

Me: 'I’d like to sit down on the couch today. Do you think we could dismantle your pillow fort?'”

Online

Bare Bottomed Bliss Brain, Child Magazine

“ Life is all giggles and skinned knees again. I feel myself wanting to live this way forever. They have only just gotten here and already, I can feel myself missing my daughters as children. In the heat of each day, I attempt to freeze them in time.”

Shower Scandal In The Powder Room

“Cleaning myself falls into a category of routine tasks that beat down my spirit with their monotony.”

Jungle Snake In The Powder Room

"I reached down and picked up a baseball-sized rock. It took all my restraint not to charge and brain him with it. Instead, I gave no indication of what I saw, packed up and walked away with purpose. Angry, violated,  I-can’t-believe-that-creep-just-wanked-all-over-my-memory purpose. He did not follow. I could have killed him for trying to put his penis all over my paradise."

Holiday Cards Are Not What They Used to Be Mamapedia

“Between being pregnant, new babies and the resulting entropy tornado that is everyday life, I have traded the time and energy I previously used to hand write personal messages to plot strategies for visiting the bathroom unaccompanied. ”

My Best Decision Mamapedia

“Instead of settling, I trudged through the nastiness of sorting through my guts. I confronted my childhood, and overcame my self-destructive patterns. It was a heart-lonely devastating hell. But I’d backpack through it in saran wrap and a snowsuit, all over again if I had to, in order to be where I am now.”

Let Down Honest Mom

“I denied her request to nurse upon waking. She didn’t fight me and my heart broke outright. Apparently, she did not fully understand my intentions. She was supposed to sense a half-heartedness in my effort to stop breastfeeding, not take the hint and actually give it up. Stupid baby.”

Mama, Dance for Me Bon Bon Break

“'Mama, dance for me!' My four-year-old daughter bounces into the kitchen and makes an audience of herself. Like so many little girls, she has ballerina dreams. Not like many little girls, she has a ballerina mother.
My ballet lessons began at age three, but I’m not sure you’d call what I did, dancing. I had two great moves: picking my nose and digging my leotard out of my butt.
Over the next thirteen years, I got better...”

Let Me Explain Voicecatcher, Summer 2016

In case my children were vegetarians, but couldn't tell me because they were toddlers, I thought it would be considerate to let them know when I was feeding them animals. I’d want someone to tell me that the lamb on my plate is the body of the same kind of animal we fed from a bottle on our farm-stay vacation, even if it means that every time I serve meat, I get the Portlandia-degree. “Which animal is this, Mommy? Tell us the story of how it got to be our dinner. Did you kill it?” 
 

Vacation Fantasy VS Vacation Reality Erma Bombeck's Writers Workshop-originally published on In The Powder Room

“Behold, vacation! Where everything I have ever wanted happens simultaneously. Outdoor adventure, travel, family fun, marital bonding, home improvement, self enhancement and world peace. By the time vacation arrives, I’ve mostly forgotten I am naught but a daydreaming dope with two small children.”

The Voice of PMS A earlier version of this originally ran on Scary Mommy

“Good Morning. Everything sucks. Especially you. You suck."
“Hey! You should cut your own bangs. Yea, like that, that looks pretty good. Just a few more snips so they’re too short and you’re crying. There. That’s it.”
“Wanna start a fight? I’ll get your mother on the phone.”

So Long, Alcohol Scary Mommy

“As someone with a tendency to shove a sober foot in her mouth on a regular basis, I have an especially hard time trying to keep from committing verbal fouls if I’ve had a few. Spouting off with a wine-loosened tongue works contrary to my goal, which is to keep people from thinking I’m an asshole.”

Differences Between Your First and Second Child Scary Mommy

“8. Development

First child: We encouraged motor skill and ambulatory development. Praised all accomplishments.

Second child: Have strapped to the floor with duct tape knowing what difficulties baby mobility brings. I try every day but still cannot physically move in two opposing directions at once. Once the baby starts running around, I will have to decide which child to sacrifice in order to chase after the other.” ”

Weaning Sucks Scary Mommy

“#9. I thought I was reclaiming all rights to my body, but my husband is standing by, ready to affix ‘Property Of’ stickers to what is left of my chest. ”


In Print

 A smattering of jokes in the compilation-The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets

"There is fine line between giving your children privacy in the bathroom and leaving them alone to eat toilet paper."

Leslie and Me An essay for The Herstories Project Anthology

“She is of the Baha’i faith. I believe in my own personal blend of Natural Pantheism, Moon Worship, Paganism and Buddhism. One year, I participated with Leslie in the Baha’i month of fasting. For nineteen days we did not eat or drink between sunrise and sunset. Leslie appreciated my support. I appreciated the sunset.”