The Voice of PMS

The Voice of PMS

 

"Good Morning! Everything sucks. Especially you. You suck."

“No, don’t shower today. It’s too much effort and it won’t noticeably lessen the hardcore self-loathing we’ve got going on here."

“I hate your clothes. You look like a bag lady. You know you don't need a bra for those, right?"


“Hey! You should cut your own bangs. Yea, like that, that looks pretty good. Just a few more snips so they’re too short and you’re crying. There. That’s it.”

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Small Talk with A Bear

Small Talk with A Bear

I had a recurring childhood nightmare that was set in my actual home, which made it oh-so-much worse. In the dream, I stepped out onto the front porch to collect the evening newspaper and to the right, beyond the house, was a behemoth grizzly bear, barreling toward me through the filbert orchard. At first, he was a hundred feet away, which allowed me plenty of time to take the few steps back inside and bolt the door, even while dragging my suddenly sandbag body in heavy slow-motion. But each time the dream repeated, the bear started closer to me, and my escape grew narrower until the night he was waiting for me on the other side of the door. 

One of my most terrifying, recurring adulthood nightmares is also set in my actual home, and happens when I'm awake...

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Disgusting Places From Which My Toddler Drinks

Disgusting Places From Which My Toddler Drinks

A toddler on the go needs to stay hydrated. Fortunately, my child does not discriminate. When it comes to her fluids, she will drink from any source she can find.

I have witnessed my daughter...

1) Slurping from the mossy slime puddle formed on the BBQ cover over the winter.

2) Licking water off the car.

3) Chugging bath water, every time she takes a bath. (Bonus points for sucking stale water out of water retaining bath toys...)

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Vacation Fantasy vs. Vacation Reality

Vacation Fantasy vs. Vacation Reality

Every year, our family takes vacation in a two week lump sum at the end of Summer. And every year, I build up a fantasy that it will be a combination of ultimate relaxation and effortless productivity. The end all, be all, of events.

Behold vacation! Where everything I have ever wanted happens simultaneously. Outdoor adventure, travel, family fun, marital bonding, home improvement, self enhancement and world peace. By the time vacation arrives, I’ve mostly forgotten I am naught but a daydreaming dope with two small children...

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Remarkable Components of A Three-Year-Old Child

Remarkable Components of A Three-Year-Old Child

1. Complete Obviousness
 “Mommy, let’s play hide and seek. You count, and I will go hide behind the couch.”
 

2. Sticktoitiveness
A request to eat peanut butter and jam for lunch. Every, single, day.

3. Determination
Never has there been a stronger lobbyist for a person’s right to remain in their pajamas.
 

4. Selective Memory
They do not seem to recall the thirty minute bout of crying and yelling that stopped thirty seconds ago, but they remember that grandma always keeps a lollipop in her purse. 
 

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Observations Made While Camping With Young Children

Observations Made While Camping With Young Children

Concerned by the contents of your home amassing in your driveway, the neighbors ask if you're permanently relocating.

Babies poop more in the wilderness. Older kids say they don't have to, then ask you stop the car ten minutes from home in heavy traffic.  

Every third spot in the campground is reserved for people who set off their car alarms. 

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