Evolutionary Failings

Dear Mr. Darwin,

I’m no good at math but if humans have been here 100,000 years and have been wrangling offspring all that time, shouldn’t we have more than two arms by now?

Arms. We need more of them. Our jobs as parents demand it.

Every day at 5 o’clock, my two-year-old stands in front of me in the kitchen and wails that she’s hungry.  Every day I tell her that she is supposed to be hungry for dinner, that we will be eating in an hour, that I am making dinner, right now, so that she will no longer be hungry, and that I need her help, because in order for her not to be hungry I have to make the dinner and I can’t make the dinner and attend to her screaming at the same time. Every day she suggests, through sobs, that I should simply hold her with one arm and cook dinner with the other. She weighs thirty-five pounds. I can barely hold her with all the arms I’ve got.  

With these two inadequate arms, I managed such marvelous feats as breastfeeding while  ________. (Go ahead and fill in the blank with anything except driving. For example: pooping, cooking, wiping the bottom of another child, paying bills, doing laundry...)

Just imagine what could be done with the proper number of appendages.

We might finally get around to flying. (Not to throw the help-with-parenting rationale under the bus, but flying is actually a more awesome reason for needing more arms.)

I remember the first time I had more arms than I needed. It was the first time I went out to dinner after having a baby, without the baby. I had to tie my arms in a knot to keep them from waiting tables.  

Sure, the victory of being able to carry all the groceries in from the car, or all the laundry up the stairs in one trip would not be nearly as satisfying as it is now. “Honey, did you see? I made it up with all the kids' clothes AND the bath towels this time. That’s three baskets full, plus twenty-five hanging garments. And I only have two arms!”

And I only have two kids. One per parent, or one per hand when I’m solo. But what about those families with more kids than there are hands to hold them? Have you considered them, evolution?

We need to adapt.

When they are no longer handy (yes, I know), the arms could fall off, but always with the option to regrow should conditions require.  Or maybe we could look into something retractable. I'm up for discussion on specific design.

One thing for sure, men’s nipples better not fall off before we get some extra arms around here.


C'mon Already